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shadows-and-science-gone-mad · 5 years ago

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An Analysis of the Creature Designs in Jurassic Fight Club

The 2008 History Channel miniseries Jurassic Fight Club was not a good show. Almost objectively, it was a badly-done series. The effects were of generally high quality, but those decent effects were in service of a poorly-scripted, gratuitously-violent, scientifically-inaccurate gorefest masquerading as a documentary.

It’s not worth your time.

That said, one bit of unambiguous praise I can give it lies in the designs for the dinosaurs. While they are frequently very inaccurate, they are completely unlike any dinosaur designs in any other media. The showrunners very easily could have just appropriated stock footage from older programs to pad their runtime, but they created unique clips featuring their own designs, which is commendable.

In this post, I’m going to be going through all of the creature designs that appear in Jurassic Fight Club and give my honest thoughts on them. I will factor in both accuracy to the real animal and my own personal tastes, and ultimately assign each one a score out of 10.

So, without further ado, let’s begin:

Majungasaurus crenatissimus (male)

Let’s cover these in order of appearance, which means that the male Majungasaurus is first on the plate. (I am choosing to ignore that they call it Majungatholus in the narration; that is not what this creature’s name is.)

This is a pretty interesting portrayal of this animal. They very easily could have just thrown some skin over the bones and called it a day. But, they stretched their creativity a bit and gave it some speculative soft tissue, and I like that.

That said, the anatomy is completely wrong for a Majungasaurus. The skull is correct, but the arms are too well-developed, and the legs are way too long and lean. Those proportions would work pretty well if this were a Carnotaurus, but it’s a bit too athletic for a majungasaur.

7/10.

Majungasaurus crenatissimus (female)

This is much more in line with what I was expecting from their Majungasaurus. It has the exact same problems as the male, and is missing the speculative soft tissue that I liked so much. Still okay, but not as interesting as the male.

6/10.

Tyrannosaurus rex

No, I don’t know why it’s squatting like that in this promotional image.

Ignoring the weird pose, this isn’t too bad, actually. Sure, it still has broken wrists, and the skull is a bit off, but it otherwise looks about right. For a depiction of T. rex from 2008, this is pretty decent stuff. I like the muted purple color, and I am immensely appreciative of the fact that they didn’t just copy-paste a Jurassic Park rex into their show. They could have very easily done that, but they chose to make something more representative of the actual animal.

8/10.

Nanotyrannus lancensis

This one’s a bit tough to judge. You see, Nanotyrannus doesn’t actually exist. In 2008, it was considered its own genus. But, in the decade since this series aired, it has been all but confirmed that Nanotyrannus is just a juvenile Tyrannosaurus.

That said, as a juvenile Tyrannosaurus, this is pretty good. It’s slim and fierce, with a good color scheme and decent accuracy to the fossils. Aside from the fact that this animal never existed, this is decent. Not bad at all.

7/10.

Deinonychus antirrhopus

I am of completely mixed opinions about this one. On the one hand, aside from the broken wrists, the anatomy is pretty much spot-on. You can tell that the designers actually looked at real Deinonychus skeletons to model this. Also, the blue body with the striping on the tail is a very striking color pallete. As a design, this is actually pretty good.

But, then we get to the elephant in the room. Not a single feather to be found anywhere on its body. Even in 2008, no feathers at all was barely acceptable, and it is completely unforgiveable today.

I have heard that they didn’t do feathers because of budgetary restrictions, which is understandable, but it does drag this design down quite a bit.

I’m going to have to give it a neutral score. It’s a great monster design, but it’s a terrible raptor.

5/10.

Tenontosaurus tilletti

Poor Tenontosaurus. It pretty much only ever gets media representation so that it can be killed by either Deinonychus or Acrocanthosaurus, and nobody ever seems to give it the time of day.

Fortunate, then, that this is a fantastic design.

Anatomically, it’s spot-on. The colors are dull, but not boring. It has a good amount of soft tissue, and carries a real sense of weight. Out of all the dinosaurs in the show, this one looks the most like a real animal. I have absolutely no complaints.

10/10.

Stegosaurus ungulatus

This is top-quality stuff right here. The proportions are good, even if the tail is a bit on the short side. The hands have the correct number of digits, and all of the plates and spikes seem to be in order. Again, the colors are a bit drab, but it feels appropriate for an animal of this size.

Also, how strange is it that, of all shows, Jurassic Fight Club is the only one I’ve seen that gets Stegosaurus’s weirdly long neck right?

Another triumph.

10/10.

Ceratosaurus nasicornis

Wow.

This is almost entirely perfect.

It has the right skull, it has the long teeth, it has the osteoderms on the back, the proportions are correct. Literally the only inaccuracy I can find is the pronated wrists, but that’s hardly enough to tarnish this thing’s otherwise perfect score.

This may be the best depiction of Ceratosaurus I’ve ever seen, and it is unquestionably the best design in the show.

10/10.

Camarasaurus supremus

Eh.

It looks about right, but it just feels...plain. This is the first one where the dull color scheme is a downside. It’s just flat grey with a yellow head. I do like that detail, but that’s pretty much all it has going for it.

Also, it has elephant feet, which is just wrong.

4/10.

Allosaurus fragilis

Alright, buckle down, because this one’s really bad.

Whereas everything up to this point at least feels like they looked at the actual animal as they were rendering, I’m not certain anyone involved in this thing’s design process had ever seen an Allosaurus skeleton. Let me count the issues:

The skull is so utterly wrong I’m unconvinced they didn’t just completely make it up.

The horns are the wrong size, the wrong shape, and in the wrong spot.

The wrists are broken and stuck on the end of way-too-long human arms.

The torso is too shallow, and has this weird hunchback thing going on.

The legs are too short, and those dainty little feet are bordering on comical. It doesn’t look like it should be able to stand up.

Literally no component of this thing’s anatomy resembles the animal it is supposed to be. It’s a trainwreck.

1/10.

Carcharocles megalodon

To begin with, yes, I am all aboard Team Carcharocles.

With that out of the way, this is a very “meh” design. It’s literally just a big great white shark. No real creativity or imagination at play here. Normally, that would be fine, but C. megalodon isn’t particularly closely related to the great white, so I can’t rate this too highly.

4/10.

Brygmophyseter shigensis

Conversely, I think that making Brygmophyseter a modified sperm whale is completely appropriate. This animal was a close cousin of the modern sperm whale, and thus would probably look fairly similar.

Decent colors, realistic anatomy, appropriate role within the episode’s story. Pretty decent stuff.

7/10.

Gastonia burgei

The show’s designers keep doing a really good job with their armored dinosaurs. The Stegosaurus above was one of their best, and Gastonia here is no different.

It certainly helps that Gastonia is known from pretty solid remains, so they had a lot of material to work with. It looks pretty much as it should, and the color scheme is vibrant, but not overdone. Pretty stellar work overall.

9/10.

Utahraptor ostrommaysi

Okay, I was willing to be forgiving of the Deinonychus because of the colors, plus the fact that they nailed its skeletal anatomy. This thing doesn’t have either of those advantages.

I can forgive the incorrect skull, Utahraptor‘s skull wasn’t known until nearly a decade after the show came out. What I cannot forgive is the drab, boring color scheme and those AWFUL feathers. If this is all they were going to do to add feathers to their raptors, I’m almost glad they left Deinonychus scaly.

Just awful.

2/10.

Arctodus simus

Wait. They didn’t have the budget to render raptors with proper feathers, but they did have the budget to do an episode all about furry Pleistocene mammals?

Anyways, this is alright. The skull looks a bit off to me, and the legs are too short, but it’s not awful. Y’know, aside from the fact that they gave this bear human eyes for some reason.

6/10.

Panthera leo atrox

That sure is a lion.

5/10.

Pachyrhinosaurus canadensis

That is not Pachyrhinosaurus. Even ignoring the erroneous horn, -- which is addressed as speculative within the show -- that is straight-up not the skull of a Pachyrhinosaurus. They just modelled an (admittedly okay-looking) Achelousaurus, and then had the narrator call it Pachyrhinosaurus.

3/10.

Albertosaurus sarcophagus

I don’t even know what to say here. All of the show’s other theropods had something interesting or noteworthy about them, either good or bad. But, this is just every pop-culture Albertosaurus I’ve ever seen.

It certainly is there.

4/10.

Edmontosaurus annectens

This is one of the most completely unremarkable creature designs I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s a single dull color, it has no speculative soft tissue, and its only role in the episode is to be killed and eaten by predators.

This is the closest thing I’ve ever seen to a representation of a Perfectly Normal Beast. There is not a single remarkable thing here.

And it’s a shame, because Edmontosaurus is a very interesting and underrated animal, but here it gets saddled with this halfhearted shrug of a design.

4/10.

Dromaeosaurus albertensis

Yeesh.

This has the advantage of being more anatomically accurate than the Utahraptor and the colors are okay, but those feathers are, again, absolutely appalling.

Topping that off, the narration talks about them communicating with each other via sign language, which is just...dumb. Even as a kid, I thought that was dumb.

2/10.

#my writing #essay #review #creature design #dinosaurs #jurassic fight club

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f-nodragonart · 5 years ago

Note

have you guys ever watched the docufiction film The Last Dragon | A Fantasy Made Real? Its a fictional documentary set in an alternate universe where dragons were real

I wrote a few reviews abt it quite a while ago, but the longer one is p old and kinda cringey/incorrect in certain places, so I’ll run down my basic thoughts here

also if anybody wants to watch this film, here’s a link to it. I first watched this when I was a wee lil dragon-fanatic, and I’m obviously a sucker for faux-documentary/field journal fantasy media, so this movie holds a special place in my heart. HOWEVER, as I will explain here, it unfortunately gets a LOT of things wrong. it’s def got some positive qualities (which I will also describe), and it’s a fun watch, but DO NOT take this movie as an accurate assessment of what dragons could have been under different circumstances

WHAT THIS DOCUFICTION GETS WRONG*:

*I’m ESPECIALLY harsh on this movie b/c it’s a DOCUfiction. I tend to be a bit more lenient when a story isn’t necessarily aiming for a realistic setting (stylistic consistency is relevant here), but when a piece of media sets out to describe a scientifically feasible setting?? I bring the hammer DOWN

1) dear god, the anatomy is janky

the wings in particular can get RLY bad.

these wings clearly need more musculature and lower arm/’hand’ length, and a full membrane connection to the torso. they don’t even have ANY hint of integration/connection to the ribcage– no keel, no shoulder/chest musculature, not even any scapula!!

disgraceful…

while I can accept elbow spines in certain cases, I still don’t rly think they’re necessary in most cases– ESPECIALLY in this case where they don’t even provide extra area to the membrane around the elbow! what’s even the point!!

also I just noticed the designers forgot to put the elbow spines in the skeletal, so I can’t even check if they were integrated correctly….. hell, looking closer, I don’t think the front legs have scapula either….. DISGRACEFUL…

the wing shoulders also need to be shifted back behind the front leg shoulders, obviously, but they ALSO ought to be shifted down more towards the sides of the ribcage. wings based high up near the spine are typical of birds b/c they’ve got specialized wing musculature that basically pulls all the wing muscles (including the “back” muscles) down under the ribcage. bat wings aren’t built for that kinda setup, thus the shoulders are based more towards the sides on actual bats. this would likely be the same for bat-winged dragons

and those aren’t even the worst wings

I legit lose my mind a little lookin at these wings like…. why no membrane…. WHY NO MEMBRANE…

also there was clearly some attempt here to give these wings chest/shoulder musculature, but the designers didn’t know how much musculature a wing actually needs (or even how those muscles need to be shaped to properly hold a body..). thus, we just get pillowy, bara-boy boobs that would be useless for flight, even if the wings themselves were actually designed right

obviously a keel is necessary for a creature this big, but even if the designers nyxed the keel, the LEAST they could do is stretch the pecs down the full length of the ribcage to properly support the torso…

beyond the wings, some of the torsos are JUST a mess

the wyvern’s torso is mostly a problem b/c of weird wing integration, but the hexapod up top just has a plain weird torso, wings or not

it feels like the designers attempted to slap canine-like front legs on an ungulate/equine chest, and just utterly failed to integrate them properly. thus, the legs are floating to the sides of the chest rather than connected to and holding it up in any substantial way

I actually see this lack of shoulder integration in a lot in dragon designs, but it’s usually a result of trying to preserve the shape of chest/throat scales, so it’s kinda weird to see on a leathery-skin design

another thing abt this particular hexapod dragon is a bit hard to explain, but the neck is like… weird. idk if it’s super apparent to others, but the neck attaches more under the skull, a bit like a dog (ignore the skeletal, it’s clearly not accurate to the dragon actually presented). however, the flow of the neck from the chest is more of a horse neck? the strong up-and-over curve of a horse neck can’t rly attach to the skull in any way except the direct back of the cranium, yet this neck attaches somewhat to the underside of the skull, giving it a VERY awkward curvature. I happened to recently answer an ask abt necks that may explain this better, but suffice to say, the neck is weird

also, as u can see above, the base of the neck at the chest is super stiff b/c the animators didn’t bother to shift the mass of the chest/neck w/ the movement of the neck, which in turn makes the neck look ABSURDLY thin at angles like these

oh, and while this is certainly not the worst of the anatomical sins, the shrink-wrapping is p bad. yeah yeah, flighted creatures gotta be light, but flying animals still have SOME fatty deposits, like…. c’mon, u can SEE the cartilage rings in the throat of that poor wyvern, gimme a break… + it gets cold in the sky, where are some protective feathers/’fur’ for these guys?? especially side-eyeing the one living in the mountains. yeah I know they’ve apparently got that heat-retaining blood protein or whatever, but much like the flight bladder (which I will get to later), that’s asking me to excuse a bit much in terms of anatomy

(tho to be fair, the actual dinos featured in the film are naked and thin too so… at least this inaccuracy is consistent..)

I feel like this is especially bad w/ the heads. it looks like there’s barely any muscular support at the connection to the neck, and no jaw musculature to speak of. of course, a croc-like jaw design could layer the muscles under bone so that they’re not necessarily visible from the outside

but note the mass distribution of the bones of the jaw– they still stick out a fair bit to leave room for the muscles underneath (including on the upper jaw), and more importantly, the area for basing the muscles on the lower jaw is WIDE. now dragons may not necessarily need a strong bite-force like crocs if they’re using their talons and fire for attack, but most ANY toothed-animal skull is gonna NEED a lower jaw with a wider back end to provide stable, strong support to the jaw muscles. what I’m seeing from the ‘croc-’like dragon heads in this movie (not the wyvern head so much, that actually isn’t too bad in this respect) are flimsy, cardboard structures that will warp at the slightest hint of pressure

also, the teeth on all the dragons are weirdly straight and thin? like fishing teeth? but the main dragons are all land predators– they SHOULD have thick/curved teeth. even crocs have thick, slightly curved teeth, get w/ the program!!

and let’s not forgot this fucker

sir… SIR, that is a muscle-less TUBE with LEGS…..

………..funny how suddenly the wiener-dragon ain’t shrink-wrapped, eh?

also this dragon absolutely CANNOT glide, no matter what kinda “flight bladders” they got, the membrane surface area is FAR too small even for gliding, I’m sorry!!

2) “evolutionary theory? what’s that??”

basically the film goes, “WHOA this dragon has 6 limbs! no other vertebrate on the planet has 6 limbs! they must have a wild genetic mutation for that to happen– oh, yep, they sure do!” and just… leaves it there

the evolution of 6 limbs in any evolutionary tree similar to Earth’s is literally so complicated, I have an entire post dedicated to breaking down JUST that concept. the way this movie so briefly presents this “wild mutation” doesn’t even BEGIN to cover how incredibly difficult it would be to shift something as hard-wired as vertebrate limb number from four to six

what’s even MORE frustrating tho is that this movie’s timeline for evolution doesn’t even make SENSE! supposedly their oldest dragon is the wyvern– the tetrapod. then that TETRApod somehow led to the HEXApod marine dragon. what in the world?? WHERE did that other limb set come from? WHY is there another limb set suddenly???

as I explain in that post linked above, it’s practically impossible for another functional, full limb set to evolve in a complex vertebrate– that’s why it’s most reasonable for hexapods to evolve long before tetrapods set the standard, and the two evolutionary lines would go their separate ways. there’s a small chance a limb set could evolve properly into a small, early tetrapod (tho even that is a long-shot), but in a LARGE vertebrate whose entire physiology revolves around their current tetrapodal, bipedal setup, as this movie suggests w/ their wyvern? hell nah, not a chance

and there are def other evolutionary problems throughout– generally just the fact that dragons seem to change VERY little, ��aesthetically’ speaking, despite so many years of evolution and adaptation to wildly different environments (looking at the marine dragon..). yet when the dragons ARE markedly different from one another (wyvern vs. hexapod), it only brings up more problems, as covered above. like it’s all just so vague and ungrounded in any real evolutionary reality

also this post pointed out further problems w/ the evolution I didn’t even think abt (like the forest dragon being a contemporary to the mountain dragon, despite being used as an intermediary b/t marine and mountain) so I’m rly just 🤔 abt all this

3) BAD lab procedure!!

why aren’t the researchers wearing masks? they need masks to protect the corpses from human germs, and protect themselves from breathing in anything weird that was on the corpse! and they keep touching the corpse w/o gloves, getting their human oils all over the body! have they never heard of contamination?? AUGH

there’s definitely more wrong here that I rly don’t have the experience to speak on (and some of it I’m willing to excuse for the sake of a short, dramatic film– like the team having a whole lab setup right on the mountain), but the cross-contamination is what rly bothered me.

WHAT THIS DOCUFICTION GETS RIGHT and/or FUN:

1) realistic, cool behavior

the dragon behaviors featured are actually realistic, and downright cool at times!

screaming to both call for help and hurt an opponent’s ears; flashing wings to warn off opponents; mimicry to trick prey; that KICK-ASS courting ritual (if not displayed a bit awkwardly in terms of body positioning); the fiery brooding method (if we at least assume egg physiology that could handle and require that kinda direct heat, which I don’t think is…. necessarily outside reality… perhaps… maybe…)– these are all awesome examples of neat behavior

2) flight bladders? kind of??

this one is in the “got it right” list based more on potential than actual application in the movie

see, the idea of a flight bladder is p cool! the source of gas from digestion is completely reasonable, and it makes sense as a way to help a huge creature relieve some of the stress of flight

plus, the connection w/ fire-breathing is super interesting! it’s a very reasonable give-and-take system, and I like it a LOT. so this post pointed out the problems w/ having a flight system that relies on a product also used up by a different system, so now I can’t even give it that much credit lmao

however, the flight bladders in the movie are used to excuse some of the worst wing anatomy I’ve seen passed off as “realistic designs”. flight bladders may make up for *some* shortened wing length, or flight endurance, but they CANNOT make up for the problems I described in the “got it wrong” list

3) fire-breathing mechanics

if we now ignore the problems w/ this gas system being directly connected to the flight system, the fire-breathing is decently grounded in reality! the designers not only took into account the fuel source (gas from digestion), but also ignition source (platinum deposits). both of these sources are super interesting to me cus’ they technically utilize outside resources, which is not usually the case w/ a lot of fire-breathing mechanics I’ve seen

also love the specialized mouth anatomy– a scaled inner mouth and protective palate-valve make perfect sense to protect the dragon’s innards from fire, esp since the fire is igniting towards the back of the mouth. though the source of ignition being so far back in the delicate throat is itself suspect, and makes me wonder why it wasn’t simply ignited up towards the front of the mouth to prevent injury….. man I can’t give this film an inch w/o taking a mile back, huh!!

-Mod Spiral

#reviews #dragons: a fantasy made real #mod spiral #ask #anonymous

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algernoninwonderland · 6 years ago

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Why the Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics is a rubbish idea, and how to do better

I’ve been reading fanfictions for almost a decade now, younger me really liked Johnlock and Stony and things like that. I’ve read some godawful things and some genuinely great stuff. But if there’s one thing I’ve always felt quite iffy about, it’s the a/b/o dynamics and the omegaverse things.

I genuinely believe that the entire premise of the omegaverse is rubbish and really easy to use to portray harmful ideas, relationships and power structures as something hot and sexy and whatnot when it’s clearly terrible.

Let’s:

1. Take a look at what the a/b/o premise is 2. See what is utter rubbish about it 3. Propose a few ideas to avoid writing an omegaverse fic (if you still wish to write one) which present these ideas at face value

But before we begin, a few things:

First, the themes of rape, sexual violence and abusive relationships will be discussed during this, so there’s a tw tag for these things.

Secondly, I do not believe that depicting terrible things in art means you automatically condone them. Take the way Toni Morrison deals with that scene between Pecola and her father in The Bluest Eye, for instance (that’s the one example that comes to my mind but there are countless others). But I also believe that you have to be responsible when you depict terrible things, and that you should try to make sure what you produce cannot be interpreted as an endorsement of these things.

I’m not here to tell you you are a bad person if you enjoy omegaverse fics, I don’t know you and I’m not here to judge you as people, I wish to engage with ideas and the way they may impact people.

At last, I am not here to tell you what to think or what to write. These are just my thoughts and suggestions, nothing more. I have no authority over you, I can’t tell you what to do.

Are we good?

Alright, then, let’s get started!

1. What are these Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics all about?

There are posts all over the internet for that’ll explain you that in more detail than this post, a Fanlore wiki page here if you want to read that, it does a great job at tracking down the history of a/b/o, but I’ll sum it up here with a few extra things I think are relevant.

So, in the omegaverse, the society is split between two, or three categories. Characters are either alphas, betas or omegas, well-established roles, socially and genetically: Alphas are in a position of power, the sexually ‘dominant’ ones, whereas the Omega is the opposite of this and the one to carry the Alpha’s seed and whatnot (there are no other ways to put it); the beta is sort of a middle ground between the two.

This introduction of these concepts and that distinction between so-called Alphas, Betas and Omegas comes from a 1970 bestseller, “The Wolf: The Ecology and Behaviour of an Endangered Species” by zoologist L. D. Mech, and we’ll talk a little more about that thesis later.

So it is not surprising that the omegaverse tropes are really common in werewolf fiction and werewolf AUs. Teen Wolf and Supernatural have thousands of these fics on ao3 alone, and there’s more on many other websites.

The classic narrative scheme is the following: the strong and domineering Alpha is in heat and mates with a submissive Omega, bonding with them in the process. The great majority of these fics are M/M fics.

What we have here is the superposition of a social role and of biological functions: the Alpha is in a position of absolute power from a social, and material standpoint, and is the one who gets to impregnate their partner/partners, they have the most sexual power. To put things crudely, they are the ones to make use of their penises whereas the beta/omega does not have this sexual intensity and plays a more passive role.

In the omegaverse, you need Alpha blood and an Alpha’s social status to have sex the way an Alpha has sex, you need to have Alpha blood to live like one. These two things cannot be dissociated. And sex… There’s a lot of it in the omegaverse, I mean it’s basically the offshoot of other kink fics and is pretty much a kink itself.

2. So, OK, the hierarchical aspect of the relationship is a bit weird, and maybe Mpreg is as well, but that’s it, right?

Well not only. Remember that thing about the 1970 bestseller? Its own author acknowledges that it is biologically incorrect and does not apply to wolves at all. There are no such things as Alphas, Betas and Omegas in wolf packs.

But did that keep people from using these notions even though they have been proven to be rubbish?

I mean, the alt right seems to love them and uses them unironically so, I don’t know… And so do some fics. Does that mean that all a/b/o fics are inherently fascist? For the most part, I don’t think so. But they don’t always try to detach themselves from that either.

What about the sex? Yes, let’s talk about sex. That’s the main reason why 14yo me once clicked on one of these fics, out of curiosity and because I was 14 and didn’t know better. I regret so many things.

Sex in the a/b/o fics is very explicit, very anatomically inaccurate (though it’s not why we click on these in the first place, or smut in general, but none of the gay/bi/pan men I personally know enjoy a/b/o), and quite often, it’s very fucked up sex. Dubious consent, underage sex, outright rape, you name it, that’s what tags are for.

Sex in the omegaverse is a traumatic experience with that strong sense of hierarchy, a possessive alpha and their possession, an omega. It often comes with knotting, too. And if you don’t know what that is, you’re really lucky, don’t google that, ever. Just know that, at least in the beginning, sex doesn’t feel good for the beta/omega, and when it does, it still comes with quite some pain.

I’d argue that sex in a/b/o fics is not too far off from the uke/seme dynamics in yaoi, the two even overlap: there’s an “attacker” and a “receiver”. This is not just dom/subs, which can still be healthy, it’s almost spelled out “the way these have men have sex is downright abusive”. I won’t discuss the rape tropes in yaoi here, many have done so before and better than I could ever do it, but they’re here.

The Alpha is the attacker, depicted with hyper (and obviously toxic) masculine traits and quite the emphasis on his… Membrum virile. He is not the one who has to carry the child in the case of a Mpreg fic. He can’t act any other way, it’s in his blood, it’s his nature, his instincts, he can’t help it if he’s in heat and wants to fuck. Oh, I sure wonder what that sort of justifications makes me think of. I’m sure you’ll find it.

The Omega, on the other hand, is in a position of inferiority because of his role during sex and due to his social status: he is submissive, abused, soft-spoken and physically weaker than the Alpha. He is belittled because he is the one who can give birth to a child, yet a prized possession — not a being, a possession— because of that. Change the pronouns from “he” to “she” and there you'll have a nice surprise. (It’s really not surprising at all).

I’d like to quote a prompt also featured in the Fanlore wiki page for a/b/o, and think about it for a little while.

“There are three types of men, alpha males, beta males, and omega males. Alpha males are like any ordinary guy with the exception of their cocks, they work just like canines (the knot, tons of cum, strong breeders, etc) The beta male, is an ordinary guy without the special cock. Omega males are capable of child bearing and often called bitch males”

The use of “bitch” here is extremely revealing, don’t you think? We’ve got both the animalistic aspect and the misogynistic undertones that come with it. And we, readers, are supposed to find that sexy.

So, what we have is M/M fics dripping with rape culture, misogyny, homophobic clichés (the rampant homosexual and his uncontrollable and violent sexual urges). And don’t get me started on the transphobia and transmisogyny, and racism (when there are POC in at all, which is to say rarely).

Does this mean all writers who write a/b/o fics are rampant misogynistic, homophobic people who endorse rape culture?

The answer is complicated. But, as a former member of the “not like the other girls” group, I’d say that internalised misogyny is very, very pernicious. Rape narratives are ubiquitous in modern “Western” culture. And a/b/o often perpetuates homophobic clichés.

3. What do we do now?

With such a terrible premise, it would be wise to not write anything a/b/o at all.

But perhaps with a self-aware approach, perhaps by subverting these tropes, by dissociating this “biological” aspect from the societal one or by throwing them out the window completely, writing something a little more interesting is possible.

Showing that these categories are rubbish and an artificial construction, for instance. Have the rape victim get away from his rapist, or even better, no rape at all. Have the couple adopt children.

But, personally, I believe writing something else than a/b/o is still the better option.

Fan fiction, fan content can be so much more than these terrible shitty things if we try our best to know where ideas come from, what they imply and how to execute on them.

#fanfiction #omegaverse #discourse #tw: rape #tw: homophobia #a feminist and queer approach to fiction #alpha #beta #omega #a/b/o dynamics #a/b/o verse

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greendogfoundation-blog · 6 years ago

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Meet Vanilla Bean! A good samaritan saw a family trying to sell puppies in front of a Denny's in San Diego. They were asking $250 the puppy seem lethargic skinny and he didn't have $250 so we offered them $40 and they took it. Upon closer inspection are there was something fundamentally wrong with the way the puppy walked on its back end so he reached out to our rescue and we took him in and got his first puppy shots. We did x-rays I cannot find anything definitively wrong however he may need to go to a specialty that because it's very obvious he's walking anatomically incorrect. We will keep you posted if we have to raise funds to get this puppy back legs fix surgically🙏🙏🙏 #rescuesrescue #fixmylegs https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs89RgEA-Yb/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=5dmfm7he6cpi

#rescuesrescue #fixmylegs

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mrevaunit42 · 8 years ago

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UnderStar part 2

Hey everyone, Mr.E here with the second part of my Undertale/Star vs cross over. I hope you are all having a great weekend and getting ready for starco week! Starting tomorrow. I won’t be doing all the prompts because i have a horrible track record but hey, check out @starcoweek3 for some great starco art and stories. So here’s underStar part 2 and in case you missed the giant wall of text that is the first one, here’s the link https://mrevaunit42.tumblr.com/post/158949799587/understar-part-1

Have a great week everyone

Marco said nothing, guilt filling every inch of his entire being as Toriel let loose a single tear, her fireballs steering themselves away from the approaching boy.

He knew she couldn't hurt him, that she was trying to scare him into giving up, into hurting her to get pass. He could've but he didn't. He chose to spare Toriel every chance he got until....she gave up.

“It is pathetic...is it not?” Toriel muttered softly “I cannot save a single child....”

Marco said nothing, deciding it was best to just stand since he was unsure how he could comfort her sorrow.

“I wanted to be a teacher...obvious when you look back on it....but...how could I ever become a teacher....if I cannot save a single child...”

Toriel let out a defeated sigh

“I understand. You would just be unhappy here. The ruins are small once you are used to them and without Star, you would be consumed by your worry....she is your bestie after all...your feelings for her go far deeper than you know.”

Toriel closed her eyes as if to shield Marco away from her pain.

“My expectations.....my loneliness....my fear....for you my child...I will put them aside.”

“Toriel....”

“If you truly wish to leave the ruins” Toriel told him, so forlorn and sad that it destroyed Marco's heart “I will not stop you....”

“However” Toriel went on, her face tight with emotion “When you leave...please do not come back”

Marco could feel his eyes tearing up at the sight of Toriel so broken and defeated

“I hope you understand.”

Marco's tears trailed down his cheeks, their existence disappearing into Toriel's soft, warm fur as she embraced him, her touch loving and motherly.

“Call me goat mom....one last time child...” she whispered into his ear.

“Good bye....goat mom” Marco cried as Toriel broke her hold on him.

“Good bye....my child.”

and like that, Toriel was gone, retreating back into her home, into her self imposed exile in the ruins.

Marco wiped away his tears as he made his way pass the doors that barred his path, pass the single patch of sunlight that reminded him of the first time he met Flowey and into the forest, the dead tall trees looming over him like towers, the snow covered floor giving every step a deep, thick crunch.

Marco shivered against the icy temperature of the cavern, unable to believe this was still the Underground.

There was no sign of life, no sign anyone else nearby or clue where Star had disappeared to. Just nothing: an empty landscape void of anything.

Marco stopped. He felt strange like someone was watching, waiting for him to notice.

He whirled around suddenly only to find the doors back to the ruins and his footsteps trailing after him.

Marco frowned, unsure if he was just on edge and paranoid or that someone had indeed been watching him.

Marco faced forward only to find someone who wasn't there a moment before barring his path.

“Yeah” The creature said lazily “it was me kid.”

There was a moment of silence before Marco let out a panicked yell, arms flailing everywhere which way before dropping into a fighting pose.

The creature was a short, big boned skeleton with a dimpled, permanent smile on his face, something Marco never thought he would say when describing a skeleton. His empty eye sockets had this white glint to them almost like pupils. Strangest thing of all was that he was clothed: He wore an unzipped blue hoodie (both hands tucked within its pockets) with the hood having a white furry interior. He seemed to be wearing a white shirt, black shorts with a single, vertical white strip on either side of his legs and even a pair of sandals.

“Hiya kid” The skeleton waved, his tone equal parts friendly and laid back “How you doing?”

“umm....” Marco was unsure how to respond. You think with having Star Butterfly as his best friend he would've been used to strange sights by now but a clothes wearing, friendly skeleton took the cake.

“Well....isn't this a bare-bones conversation?” The skeleton said with wink, chuckling merrily at his own joke.

Scratch that: a clothes wearing, friendly pun making skeleton.

“Sides” The skeleton went on “don't you know how to make a new pal? Shake my hand kid”

Marco gulped nervously at the sight of the skeletal hand attached the skeletal body that once may have been human....or was this creature born this way, without any eyes or skin?

“Aww, don't tell me I scared you? Sorry kid, I can be a real bonehead sometimes!”

Marco anxiously chuckled, swallowing his fear and gripping the skeleton's hand lightly in case it decided to pull him forward and attack.

Marco flushed when the loud whooshing sounds of a fart echoed loudly through the near empty forest

“hehehe....the old whoopee cushion in the hand trick” the skeleton said with a grin, holding out his hand and showing Marco the deflated prop “It's always funny.”

“I...”

“You're human right? With the flesh and squishy organs? Hehehe that's hilarious.” The skeleton went on, slipping his hand back into the shelter of his pockets “I'm Sans....Sans the skeletogrin”

Another wink

“I'm Marco” Marco managed to get out between laughs. Between Star missing and having broke Toriel's heart, Marco needed a good laugh and while these jokes were terrible, they were helping lift his gloomy mood.

“Anyway, I'm supposed to be on watch for humans right now...” Marco felt his heart stop, the idea of being captured so quickly made him wish he had heeded Toriel's warning “But y'know, I don't really care about capturing anybody.”

Marco let out a sigh of relief.

“Now my brother Papyrus....”

“SANS!” another voice called from afar, causing Sans to turn around and peer carefully at who was calling him.

“Actually....I think that's him right now.”

“What?!” Marco couldn't keep the fear out of his voice “You got to hide me! I can't be captured, I need to find my best friend Star.”

“Huh, best friend? Not girlfriend?” Sans nudged Marco with a playful wink.

“N-no!” Marco stammered, his cheeks bright red from the cold “Best friend.”

“I'm just joking kid. Say, you haven't lost your....funny bone, have you?”

“Sans!” Marco motioned to the approaching person, his height making it impossible for anyone to miss his arrival “I need to find Star and go home!”

Sans smile never left his face but he nodded in understanding.

“It's alright Marco, just follow my lead. Put your hands in your pockets and stand like me.”

Marco didn't like the sound of this but left with little choice, he followed Sans's directions, placing his hands in his pockets and slouching lazily like his skeletal savior.

“Now face the same way and don't say anything.”

Marco did as he was told just in time for Sans's brother to make onto the scene.

If Marco thought Sans was strange, that was before he met Papyrus. Sans was dressed for style and possibly comfort but Papyrus? He was dressed to stand out, impossible to ignore.

His skull was anatomically incorrect, much longer and thinner than his brother Sans. He too had an eternal smile and his eye sockets were more slit than humanly possible. Around his thin skeletal frame was a large torso piece with various golden trims and a symbol Marco was certain he had seen somewhere before, something from a video game. He wore a long, flowing red scarf with matching, red gloves with more gold trim, a blue...briefs? With a, you guessed it, gold belt and large red boots. His spine, arms and legs were covered by black sleeves or leggings or...something.

Marco could feel the sweat form on his brow as Papyrus came closer but if he had noticed anything odd about this picture, the skeleton had yet to say anything.

“S'up bro?” Sans greeted his brother casually like he wasn't hiding a human from his human hunting brother.

“YOU KNOW WHAT IS SUP BROTHER!” Papyrus answered, his voice dramatic and overflowing with unnecessary flourish. “IT HAS BEEN 8 DAYS AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T RECALIBRATED YOUR PUZZLES!”

“kay....” Sans replied, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly

“YOU JUST HANG ABOUT YOUR STATION ALL DAY! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?”

“Hanging out with my buddy here” Sans pointed to Marco with his head “New to town.”

Papyrus blinked once, twice, a third time “I DID NOT SEE YOU THERE FRIEND! I APOLOGIZE, WHERE ARE MY MANNERS? I AM THE GREAT PAPYRUS, HUMAN HUNTER EXTRAORDINAIRE!”

Sans snickered at his brother “You haven't even seen a human bro.”

Papyrus looked appalled “I AM WORKING ON IT! AND WHEN I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, FINALLY CAPTURE A HUMAN, I SHALL GET ALL THE THINGS I SO UTTERLY DESERVE! RESPECT, RECOGNITION, MY RIGHTFUL PLACE IN THE ROYAL GUARD AND I SHALL HAVE COUNTLESS PEOPLE LINING UP TO BE MY FRIEND! I WILL BATHE IN A SHOWER OF KISSES AND PRAISE EVERY MORNING!”

“hmm.....maybe my friend can help you, he's a human”

Marco couldn't believe Sans ratted him out so quickly, he knew he couldn't trust a no skin, wide grinning, punning making skeleton!

“SAAAAANS! STOP YOUR HUMORLESS JEST! THAT IS NOT A HUMAN, AND I, THE MAGNIFIECENT PAPYRUS, SHOULD KNOW BEING THE FEARED AND WELL RESPECTED HUMAN CATCHER THAT I AM!”

Marco's deadpanned face made him seem like the undead one.

“YOU DISGRACE YOUR DUTY SANS!” Papyrus went on, pointing an accusatory gloved finger towards his brother “YOU GET LAZIER AND LAZIER WITH EACH PASSING DAY WHEN YOU SHOULD BE WORKING, NOT PULLING YOUR FRIENDS INTO YOUR CHILDISH JOKES!”

“but I did a ton of work” Sans replied “A skele-ton”

Sans gave his brother his trademark wink.

“SANS!” Papyrus shrieked

“come on, you're smiling”

“I AM” Papyrus answered, childishly pouting and stamping the ground in a way that reminded Marco of Star “AND I HATE IT!”

Papyrus let out a defeated sigh “WHY DOES SOMEONE AS GREAT AS I HAVE TO DO MUCH WORK FOR SOME RESPECT?” “Sounds like you're working yourself....to the bone”

“SIGH. I HAVE TO ATTEND TO MY PUZZLES SANS. AS FOR YOUR WORK? PUT A LITTLE MORE...BACKBONE INTO IT! NYHEHEHEHE”

Marco saw it now, he saw how these two opposing personalities could be brothers. It was their lame jokes.

Papyrus took his leave without another word, laughing all the way out of view.

“see, told you. My brother may be a fanatic about catching humans but he's harmless. He couldn't hurt you even if he wanted too.”

“Thanks Sans.” Marco offered his hand to shake Sans's once more

Sans shook his head, all joy and humor leaving his face “Don't thank me yet, we got to find your not girlfriend Star.”

Marco flushed a little but decided to ignore it for time's sake “Do you know where Star is? Was she captured by the others? I mean she's really good at fighting and has her magic wand that's make her tough to beat but still...you never know.”

Sans shook his head “No I don't think so but something isn't right with this picture. Tell me, did you two run into a small sunflower? Cheerful and 'helpful'?”

“Flowey...” Marco growled, fist clenched angrily

Sans nodded but did not elaborate if such information was important. “I don't know where your friend is now but I know where she'll be in a bit if she's hanging with the flower.”

Marco wanted to tell Sans that Star would never go with Flowey but last night's fight surfaced in his mind, how betrayed and angry Star looked at him when he told her to trust Toriel and Marco had seen firsthand how charming Flowey could be.

“ Can you take me Sans? I need to find Star.”

Sans winked at Marco “Sure skelebro, we'll take one of my shortcuts.”

“Shortcuts?” Marco questioned but Sans was already off, disappearing into the thick, dead trees. “SANS WAIT UP!”

“Wait...just happened?” Marco's eyes were wild, hair an unkempt mess like he had just go.

“Best not to think about it” Sans told Marco calmly, the two appearing over a breathtaking over of a city far below “Your friend will be heading through that door over at the far end.”

Marco turned, the door giving him a dark, foreboding feeling in his stomach.

“What is that place?” Marco asked, fright and dread slowly overwhelming him.

The white glint in Sans's eyes disappeared leaving a lifeless, void-like darkness in his eyes “Where everything ends.....”

“Sans?”

“I'll stand here” Sans continued, the white gleam returning “Make sure no monsters bother ya. I like you and I wouldn't want to see you captured. Find your friend, come back here and we'll go somewhere I can keep you safe until we figure out how we can get you out of here.”

“Thanks Sans” Marco told him, hugging the skeleton tightly.

“No worries Marco” Sans told him, parting from the teen slowly “We're hoodie bros. It's what we do. I wish I could help you but I don't have any guts”

Marco laughed loudly at the horrible joke, waving goodbye to Sans as he entered the mysterious room.

Sans felt his grin drop a bit, wondering if Marco could really handle that sociopathic little flower on his own.

“Star!” Marco's voice rang out, echoing loudly through the empty halls, the sound bouncing off the golden walls, becoming weaker as his voice traveled further away from him into the endless room.

Marco didn't like the silence that remained after his call for Star went unanswered, the clicking of his footsteps the only sign of life in the barren, empty hall.

Marco tried to calm his worried heart as he walked between the two rows of gigantic pillars that held up ceiling of this majestic room as a bright, warm light poured in from the outside despite the fact they were underground, deep within a cavern of mazes. Perhaps the light was not from the sun but rather some other source, the warmth spreading through his body a trick his mind playing on him in response to the solar-like illumination filling the room.

Marco wanted to stare out the beautifully crafted and designed windows, he wanted to explore a bit more but Sta ran off, possibly with a psychotic flower, there was no time. Who knew what lay in the Underground and Marco couldn't help feel a sickening sense of dread bubbling in the pit of his stomach.

Something had gone wrong, something happened to Star and Marco needed to find her now. She was his best friend and if she was in trouble, it was up to him to rescue her. To save her and be there for her. And the only way to be there for her was to press forward.

Marco's footsteps were the only thing accompanying the worried teen as he made his way through the massive corridor, the near quiet atmosphere far worse than being draped in complete silence.

A deep, thick shadow of a pillar blanketed Marco for a moment, blinding him as his eyes struggled to cope with the sudden contrast between light and dark.

Marco stepped into the glowing light pouring through the unblocked window, his vision finally clearing the multicolored flashes that plagued his closed sight.

Marco could feel his heart beat happily at the sight of Star's turned back though the gloomy dreaded he felt remained. Where had she appeared from?

But it didn't matter. Sans had been correct and there she was in one piece: her devil hairband tucked safely in her long, blonde hair, her sea green dress and purple orange striped stockings looking more...faded than usual.

It had to be the room. That's all. Just the lighting and vastness of the hall simply skewing the color scheme a bit....that's all....

So wasn't Marco believing that? Why was every bone in his body telling him to run as fast as he could away from his best friend? That he was in an unrecognizable amount of danger?

Why did he feel like he was going to have a bad time....?

“Star!” Marco couldn't keep the relief out of his voice, nearly running forward to embrace his best friend before a subtle movement caught his attention

Marco frowned but before he could say anything, Star pivoted on her heels, staring directly at him with a wide eyed smile.

But this wasn't a regular Star smile, it was far too large and emotionless like someone simply gripped Star's cheeks and pulled them apart and upwards as far as they could to give the appearance of a smile. The hearts on her cheeks were no longer a bright, loving pink but dull, nearly as pale as her skin. Her normally sparkling oceanic blue eyes that were always filled to the brim with life, love, emotion were now dim, glossy with a distant vacant gleam that lay within.

Star was there....but she wasn't really there....

Marco openly glared at what the magical princess held tightly in her palms, the sight of the creature sparking his memories and causing the feeling of dread to grow to indescribable levels.

“You” Marco accused, pointing a finger at the yellow sunflower that nestled itself comfortably in Star's hands “Flowey! What are you doing with Star?”

Flowey's cartoonish smile and eyes were joyful like he just won the lottery.

“Howdy friend!” Flowey voice was laced with cheer and happiness that Marco knew to be false, a front used to simply lower his guard “Fancy running into you two again in this big, empty hall.”

Marco's glared deepened “What did you do with Star?”

Flowey chuckled nervously like he'd been caught with his petal in the cookie jar “Gee Marco, I don't know what you mean. I hope you're not accusing me of any wrongdoing. Gosh, that would be terribly mean of you.”

Marco stared into the magical princess's face once more, her features seemingly frozen their manic, deranged state.

“I am not asking you again Flowey, what...did...you do...with Star?”

Flowey's bright yellow petals around his face folded, a sadden expression graced the flower's face “You're being mean Marco. Golly I can't believe...”

“Don't!” Marco's outburst rang loudly around them, fading away as Flowey's face morphed from shame into an evil triumphant smirk.

“Well looks I can't fool you like I did with Star here” Flowey's tone was sharp and demeaning “of course makes me wonder which of you is the bigger idiot.”

“Don't you talk about Star that way” Marco threatened, clutching his fist tightly, trying to contain his boiling rage.

“I'll talk about her all I want idiot” Flowey sneered, taking pleasure in Marco's anger “She's my puppet and with her at my side, looks like I'll be top monster round here”

“P-puppet?” Marco repeated, fearfully looking into Star's blank stare, no trace remained of the girl he called his best friend “What did you do to her!?”

“Gee, you sure are a dumb one idiot” Flowey mocked “I just told you. I brainwashed her. She's my toy now and there's nothing you can do to stop me.”

“Why would you do this?”

“It's kill or be killed” Flowey responded simply, winking at him as Star carefully placed him on the floor behind her “And now that I control Star, looks like I will be the one doing alllll the killing.”

“I won't let you get away with this!” Marco shouted, dropping into his fighting stance “You are not taking Star”

Flowey chuckled, a simple act that sent shivers down Marco's spine in the worst way possible “I will be getting away with this. Because Star's going to be one that stops you from stopping me....”

Marco let out a disbelieving laugh, unable to hold in the wave of chuckles that came pouring out of his mouth.

Marco wiped away a tear, crossing his arms smugly, throwing a sly grin towards the demented flower “I'm Star's best friend. There is no way she'd ever hurt me...”

“Well...” Flowey pursed his lips, concerned with this unforeseen winkle in his grand master scheme “Golly, I guess that is a big problem.....except...”

Marco felt his blood run cold at Flowey's knowing smile as the insane flower told Marco “You misunderstood something. Star isn't in control anymore.”

Star's grip tightened on her wand, the frightening smile and lifeless eyes never changing as she rose the magical item high into the air

“I am”

Marco watched, terror filling his body as Star took the sky, hovering lazily above Marco, a murderous twinkle in her gaze, passing the wand between her waiting hands like she was playing some sort of game.

Marco felt odd as the world shifted, the vibrant hue of life drained away while everything took on a black and white coloring. Lighter hues of the spectrum became white outlines with skin tone filling in the pale, bright color while clothing, the hall and many background items were filled in different shades of black, their shape and appearance remaining the same despite the lack of varying colors.

Before Marco could question what was going on, Star playfully winked his way, her pale pink hearts becoming dark blue that glimmered brilliantly in the darkness of the hall.

Marco could hear the fluttering melodic sound of Star's magic activating, the center of his chest feeling warm and sending a reassuring wave through his frightened body.

Marco looked down to see the tiny red heart appearing in the center of his now black hoodie, its glow matching Star's hearts perfectly, the two lovely colors shining through a world of black and white.

Marco closed his hands into fists, determination surging through his body. Star needed him. He couldn't rely on anyone else to save her nor should he. He was the magical princess's best friend and he would be damned if he let some psychopathic flower take Star away from him.

Marco fell once more into a ready position, arms and legs bent in preparation while Star hovered above him, swaying back and forth hypnotically with the wand held loosely in her hand.

“Idiot” Flowey said as the glow of Star's wand charging filled the room.

#Star vs #Undertale #my story #crossover #Megalovania.

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ajabsusbjsbsbanns · 8 years ago

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Here’s my commission sheet for my previous post!! And here are the commission rules!!

Sketch/lineart only is 2$ (+1$ for every extra character) Headshot is 3-5$ A full body is 7-9$ (+2$ for every additional character) Icons are 3$ (matching icons are 5$ and fullbodies icons are 6$)

PLEASE NOTE: backgrounds will either ALWAYS be white or transparent! You must Specify on which you want OR if you want a coloured background

RULES FOR COMMISSIONING ART/CHARACTERS

-This all depends on the characters complexity!

-I can also do either flat shading or “blur shading” (idk what it’s called)

-I can do custom characters for about 5-7$ depending on how complex you wants them and the species

-I CANNOT draw humans. Please don’t ask me to. If you MUST commission a human, you must be prepared for a very anatomically incorrect and strange looking human.

I can also do short PMV’s (not animated but pictures). This is a base price of 15-20$. These are super…. Difficult to pin a difficulty in so you will need to message me to discuss.

THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN COMMISSIONING ME!

- I’m a student. A highschool student. Which means I have alot of stress and work in my life! I’m trying to get ready for my final year y'all This takes a lot of time out of my schedule.

-i have a lot of stuff outside of art and animation. Im super busy, especially as of late. This doesn’t mean I WONT get to your commission. It just means you’ll need to be super patient with me! ESPECIALLY if you’re commissioning an pmv.

-the only time I can work is at school. (If it’s an PMV). My current home computer does NOT have wifi or anything to animate with. My school’s computers however have multiple programs installed and tablets to use. The frames can be done at home, but the animation and editing cannot…..

- art currently is a hobby. I’ve also never done commissions for money like this.

SOOO! Are you interested? PM me. Confused on anything? PM me Just pm me lmao

Remember the money for this is all being donated for http://wingsonfire.tumblr.com/post/157811468176/hey-there-alright-so-a-friend-of-mine-is this!! So please reblog/boost this if you personally aren't interested!!🌸🌸

#commissions #splattered paint #commission prices #eye strain//#artists of Tumblr

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russellthornton · 7 years ago

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20 Smart Medieval Insults in English That Should Make a Comeback

You would be surprised to know what colorful medieval insults find their way into ancient texts, artifacts, and ruins throughout history.

In human history, the ability to offend another person through words is probably as old as language itself. And speaking of insults, the medieval era distinguishes itself above all else with producing the most colorful and offensive quips ever uttered. And we’d love to see these 20 medieval insults reinstated today.

The 20 best medieval insults

Most people may not be aware but language during medieval times is far from the polite and romantic as portrayed by costume dramas. With education limited to a few monks, the common tavern dweller uttered the most abusive, politically incorrect tirade, offensive enough to send the political correctness police into fits.

So, the next time you’re about to have a verbal spar with your friends, go medieval on their asses with these insults from another time in history.

Insults referring to social class

We all know from our history lesson that the medieval society is divided into the aristocracy, the middle class tradesmen, and the peasantry all keen in using the lower social rank to insult the other.

#1 Churl/Churlish. This word originated from the old English word “ceorl” which is a derogatory term to describe the lowest social class. Using this word to an aristocrat or a tradesman is highly offensive and often resulted in duels or stabbings.

Sample sentence: “You may wear those fancy clothes, but you’re nothing but a churl.” [Read: Trendy? Have we traded fat shaming for skinny shaming]

#2 Hedge-born. Similar to Game of Thrones’ use of “high-born” or “low-born,” hedge-born simply refers to a person of low social class, specifically a peasant or serf. Noticeably, people from the middle ages place a big deal on social class and associating one from the upper class to the lower is a good way to raise pulses.

Sample sentence: “Make yourself scarce, I can’t be breathing the same air as a hedge-born.” [Read: 12 types of humor and how it affects the people around you]

#3 Crooked-nosed knave. This is a compound insult that attacks both appearance and social class. The word knave is from an Old Norse word used to describe a lowly servant boy. The medieval use of the word however implies a deceitful and untrustworthy person that possesses no class or good manners.

Sample sentence: “Here, take my wallet you crooked-nosed knave! I have more where it came from!”

#4 Base football player. This insult refers to a person who’s poor, dirty, and unruly. The term references the violent origin of football amongst the masses which the upper classes scorned and disapproved.

Sample sentence: “This table is for proper people, not base football players like you!”

Insults to intelligence

These are the middle age’s multiple-worded and more creative take on the word “idiot.”

#5 Fopdoodle. Or another word for dumbass.

#6 Fat-kidneyed. Another medieval word for stupid. It comes from a belief that dumb people have the aforementioned anatomical distinction.

#7 Loggerhead. A blockheaded person incapable of understanding.

#8 Clout. A thick-skulled and clumsy person.

#9 Fustilugs. This insult refers to a person of large stature but meagre-brained, or an oaf.

#10 Dalcop. Literally means a dull-headed person. “Cop” is an old English word for head. [Read: How to be masculine without being a jerk]

Other insults

Medieval people had a whole repertoire of insults to make fun of appearance, parentage, and other physical and personal characteristics.

#11 Bespawler. This word refers to a person who generates a massive amount of spit as he talks.

Sample sentence: “Get your umbrellas ready. Here comes Martin the Bespawler”

#12 Doxy. Refers to a promiscuous woman with little sexual restraint. Analogous to the modern-day “slut.”

Sample sentence: “I can’t believe you’re going out with her. Everybody knows she’s quite a doxy.”

#13 Cumberworld. This insult refers to a loafer or a useless person who just takes up space.

Sample sentence: “Either that cumberworld starts to find a job or I’m kicking him out.”

#14 Harpy. The harpy comes from man-eating, female faced winged monsters from Greek mythology. Used in the middle ages to describes a woman who’s a ferocious nagger.

Sample sentence: “John spends most of the day at the pub to get away from his harpy of a wife.” [Read: 20 circumstances when it’s okay to say “I hate my wife”]

#15 Trencherman. Someone who eats too much and goes to different social events only for the food. The word comes from “trencher,” a large slice of stale bread used as a plate on medieval banquets.

Sample sentence: “Grab that donut before Dave the trencherman clears the whole box.”

#16 Puterelle. An insult that refers to a woman who is careless with her “virtue” or a woman who sleeps around. Note that the Italian and Spanish word for whore is “puta.”

Sample sentence: “She may be rich and famous, but that puterelle isn’t fooling anybody.” [Read: 12 positive lessons we can learn from sluts]

#17 Yaldson. When directed at you means that you are the son of a prostitute. This insult has made its way to modern times in the form of “whoreson” or “son of a bitch.”

Sample sentence: “Leave my sister alone, you yaldson!”

#18 Mandrake mymmerkin. A man with a short penis who cannot please his wife. This insult has very grave consequences when spoken during medieval times.

Sample sentence: “After they broke up, she got her revenge by telling everyone that he’s a mandrake mymmerkin.”

#19 Levereter. Comes from the French word for “liver-eater.” An insult that refers to a corrupt person who cheats other people for personal gain.

Sample sentence: “That guy is such a levereter that he’d sell his parents just to get the position.” [Read: Smartass quotes: 48 smart and sarcastic lines that kick ass]

#20 Cox-comb. This is the old English spelling of a cock’s comb. The insult refers to a vain, foppish, and superficial person who pays too much attention to dress and looks.

Sample sentence: “I heard that that cox-comb takes 30 minutes longer than his girlfriend to dress-up.”

[Read: 33 creative ways to intellectually insult someone]

Some of these insults managed to be forgotten in history due to their severe offensiveness. However, when the situation is apt and modern language lacks in expressing your hostility, pull one of these medieval insults out of the bag and use them with great effect.

The post 20 Smart Medieval Insults in English That Should Make a Comeback is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.

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